In A survey from the US’s Society for Human Resource Management half of the respondents admitted that they have fancied a colleague at work at some point in time. And three quarters of the correspondents said that they were fine with colleagues dating each other. Workplace romances have existed for decades, if not centuries. As far back as the 1800s, there were discussions about people becoming attracted to each other in the workplace. According to the critics at the time they were talking about women and men in offices engaging in “behaviors that had no name”.
But many lovers meet at work, and it doesn’t necessarily end in a scandal. Considering that people between 20 and 50 spend nearly four times as much time with colleagues than they do with friends, this is not surprising.
The most common methods of meeting partners fluctuate – more people get together online now, and fewer people meet through family friends. But those finding love at work are statistically constant – even during the pandemic. This is a time in which it may actually feel less risky to meet up with colleagues, since teammates and the boss are not watching as closely.
Many people struggle with dating apps as the “date mode” can feel manufactured and inauthentic. It can be easier to meet someone with similar life goals and interests at work than while swiping on a dating app. If you see someone at work, it may be a better window into the type of person they are. When people interact together in a shared work environment, you see the basic mechanics of human attraction happening. Whether that environment is physical or virtual.
The more a person sees something or someone, the more they are disposed to like it. This effect of favoring familiarity is a psychological bias called the mere-exposure effect. Simply seeing someone regularly can lead to attraction. But this bias is not limited to physical proximity. Also emotional and intellectual proximity can lead to attraction. Consistent exposure and interaction build preference, regardless of physical location.
Another important factor is people’s preference for those similar to them. This can extend to work, since colleagues picked similar careers and the same company. If two people are trained the same way or both think of the world in the same way, that similarity can foster a liking and understanding. This chemistry can be magnified when people tackle a problem together. Stressful situations can build social bonds. Getting through something hard together leads to a sense of “we-ness”. There are many stress factors at work that can foster this feeling.
Thus, office romance is practically inevitable. However, it can lead to conflicts of interest and it can make the rest of the team uncomfortable, which can affect performance.
Companies do best by managing it, as opposed to pretending it doesn’t exist. Disclosure at least to HR and a worker’s direct manager is important. Many people consider it less problematic to date someone from the same power level, rather than a boss or a subordinate. In any case the rest of the team are probably going to figure it out. And the longer someone waits to disclose a relationship, the more others will start to feel like something was being hidden from them and they might react negatively. They might mentally review all the past interactions and reexamine all the comments made. The more people have to reassess the past, the more problematic it can be.
Despite these risks, office romances will still happen. And with all the psychological factors involved, it is hard to blame colleagues for falling for each other. But still, not every office romance ends in forever, and there is no fun in seeing your ex’s face at work every day. Therefore, it is important to review your motives and weigh the pros and cons before entering a workplace romance.
